As a parent, I prided myself on being involved, fostering open communication with my kids, and staying on top of everything happening in their lives. So, imagine my shock when I discovered that my son was being groomed by a gang of youths, and I had no clue until it was almost too late. This incident shook me to my core, leaving me questioning everything I thought I knew about parenting.
In my quest for help and support, I found myself sitting with a social worker, trying to describe my son. “He’s kind,” I began, “and obedient.” But before I could continue, she interrupted me with a thought-provoking question: “Do you prioritise obedience?” My knee-jerk reaction was to give her the classic African side-eye. Of course, obedience is important, isn’t it?
But then, she rephrased the question: “Do you encourage autonomy over obedience?” That stopped me in my tracks. As an African mother, I had always believed that obedience was the cornerstone of good parenting. After all, if our children obey us, everything else would fall into place, right? Wrong.
That little light bulb moment made me rethink everything. I realised that obedience does not necessarily foster independence or critical thinking skills. Instead, it often leads to children simply doing what they’re told without understanding why. It’s like trying to build a house without teaching them how to lay the foundation. This was why it was easy for my son to fall prey to these groomers – because he didn’t ask questions, didn’t understand the why and challenge it.
So, I’ve embarked on a journey of learning and unlearning in my parenting approach. And the biggest lesson I’ve learned so far? Encouraging autonomy over obedience. By empowering my children to make their own decisions, I’m giving them the tools they need to navigate the complexities of life with confidence and resilience.
Now, don’t get me wrong; it’s not always easy. There are still moments when I catch myself slipping back into old habits, demanding obedience instead of nurturing autonomy. But I remind myself that parenting is a journey, not a destination and with each step forward, I’m helping my kids grow into independent, critical-thinking individuals who are ready to take on the world.
Last month, I wrote about navigating discipline and the pros and cons of disciplining. This article is a perfect follow-on from that, highlighting the importance of autonomy in parenting. So, to all the parents out there navigating the ups and downs of parenthood, remember this: it’s okay to let go of the need for obedience and embrace the power of autonomy. Because in the end, our children’s ability to think for themselves and make informed decisions is what will truly set them up for success.
