Ah, African parenting. Where dating is a mortal sin, but marriage is a divine calling. One minute, your child is forbidden from even thinking about romance, and the next, aunties at family gatherings are whispering, “So when will you bring us a husband/wife?” The contradiction is mind-boggling.
Across Africa and in the diaspora, parents hold firm to the belief that dating is a distraction, a gateway to moral decay, or simply unnecessary. Yet, by 23, society expects their children to magically appear at the altar, ready to be wife or husband material, with no prior training, no emotional preparation, and certainly no experience. How does that work, exactly? It’s like expecting someone to cook party jollof perfectly on their first attempt—without ever stepping foot in a kitchen!
Why Is Dating Such a Big Deal?
The fear of teenage dating in most African households is deeply rooted in cultural values, religion, and the desire to protect children from heartbreak, pregnancy, and distraction from academics. In many cultures:
- Dating is often seen as something only discussed when marriage is on the horizon. Bringing a boyfriend or girlfriend home too soon is like inviting disgrace into the family—”Who sent you?“
- Parents expect their children to focus on their education and avoid any form of romantic relationships until they are “ready” (whatever that means). Any mention of dating results in “You want to kill me?” speeches and a sudden prayer session for protection against wayward spirits.
- Religious teachings and societal norms make premarital relationships taboo. Even holding hands in public can send shockwaves through the extended family. If a cousin spots you with a “friend” at the mall, best believe the news will reach the family WhatsApp group before you even get home.
- While lobola / Eru Iyawo (bride price) negotiations are deeply respected, the journey leading up to marriage is often shrouded in secrecy. You’re expected to go from zero experience to “perfect spouse” overnight—like downloading wisdom from the ancestors.
But here’s the problem: By avoiding the topic entirely, we are setting our kids up for failure.
The Dangers of the ‘No Dating Until Marriage’ Rule
By refusing to acknowledge that teens will have feelings, crushes, and (gasp!) romantic interests, we create an environment of secrecy and misinformation. Here’s what happens when dating is completely banned:
- Secrecy & Sneaky Relationships: Teens will still date—but in hiding. Instead of seeking guidance from us, they turn to their equally clueless friends, Google, or worse… Andrew Tate as a relationship coach.
- Lack of Emotional Intelligence: If a child has never been allowed to navigate relationships, they are more likely to fall into unhealthy dynamics as adults. You can’t go from zero experience to a successful marriage overnight.
- No Safe Space for Guidance: If a relationship goes wrong (toxic partners, emotional abuse, coercion), they won’t feel comfortable coming to us because they’ve been taught dating is shameful.
- Cultural Shock in Adulthood: African kids raised with strict no-dating rules, especially outside of Africa, often struggle to understand dating culture in the West. Many end up confused, rushing into relationships without proper emotional preparation.
